NEW BARBIE DOLLS HIT THE MARKET JUST IN
TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS...
(author unkown)
Sister Mary Barbie:
This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for
genuflecting and praying, mini- rosary beads, a mini-bible,
and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie).
Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because
she's taken a vow of silence.
Admin Barbie:
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's
salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being
the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop.
Pull the string on her back and she'll Schedule a meeting
with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser
printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline
tickets for Director Ken.
Temp Barbie:
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic
Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes
untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out
why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff
envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a
liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing
cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code
revisions which need to be collated.
Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults
and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred
for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band
on her left hand ring finger).
Twelve-Step Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm
an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker,
a 30-day chip, coupons for free coffee, and a pack of smokes.
Birkenstock Barbie:
Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals.
Made from recycled materials.
Bisexual Barbie:
Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable
limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself
in the Outback.
Blue Collar Barbie:
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW
membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for
women as compared to men.. Waitressing outfits and cashier's
aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are
holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
Our Barbies Ourselves:
Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with
spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and
detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can
learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way.
Also included: tiny Kotex and booklets on sexual responsibility.
Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding
uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breast
pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman
has the right to choose what she does with her own Barbie.
Rabbi Barbie:
So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism.
Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl,
teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional accessory:
tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
Homegirl Barbie:
A truly 'fly' Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans.
Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of
attitude. Pull her cord and she says things like, "I don't think
so", "Don't even go there!", "Get outta my face", and
"You go, girl!". Teaches girls not to take anything from men and
condescending white people.
Transgender Barbie:
Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie:
Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking
machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard.
Damn these spike heels anyway!"
Dinner Roll Barbie:
A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy
belly, generous breasts and hips, and voluminous thighs to show
girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a
miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny
Entenmann's Walnut Danishes, a brick of Breyers ice cream,
three packs of Doritos, a T-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't
Eat," and, of course, an appetite.
The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of
"Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie
came as no surprise. After all, both companies have made
millions off airheads with flawless skin, Malibu tans and
synthetic, molded breasts. If 'Baywatch Barbie' sells well,
other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Here's some
possibilities:
Melrose Place Barbie:
Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where
Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories
include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an warrant for arrest.
Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman:
This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like
what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care
of their nails while shoeing a horse.
America's Most Wanted Barbie:
She's on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism..
Sally Jesse Raphael Barbie:
Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math
class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Ken's who
wear Barbie's clothes...
My So-Called Barbie:
She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who
don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.
Roseanne Barbie:
The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll,
which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high
school, married too young and ate too much.
Murder, Barbie Wrote:
Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!)
arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.
(author of the above unknown by me at this time 11/13/97)
MCS Barbie -- barb wilkie� November 14, 1997
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