1. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.Back to Index H
2. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
3. What's another word for "thesaurus"?
4. When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
5. When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.
6. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
7. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
8. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
9. I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
10. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
11. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
12. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."
13. I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
14. I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."
15. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
16. I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
17. My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
18. I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
19. I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
20. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
21. I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
22. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
23. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and.......oohh, that's much better.
24. I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
25. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
26. Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
----- Here's more:Back to Index H
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Robin Hood was a terrorist.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Shake well before and after use.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash. [or an oncoming train.]
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-------And more
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night, and she asked me "How long are you going to be gone?" I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making pictures of humans on a tree.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday," (Stone Candles, in Berkeley, California?)
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
I was driving around recently and saw a sign that said "Rest stop: 25 miles." I thought, "Wow, that's pretty big. Those people must be tired."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I make my own water -- two glasses of H, one glass of O.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
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